I went to the gym and couldn’t recognize at least 5 artists in the MTV Top 10. They all sounded the same. I recognised Katy Perry and Pharrell Williams, but the other artists appeared to be an endless cavalcade of identical R&B singers who sing these elongated chorus lines like, ‘WAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR’. What is this anorexic lady going to war about? Is it a war against food? I don’t understand. She (whoever the girl was on MTV) probably doesn’t understand either. Then again, she could be a Harvard Graduate who’s taking us all for ride? Anyway, that song sounded like shit and I was angry myself for forgetting to bring my iPod.
The other thing that makes me feel old at the gym is the fact that there are younger, fitter people with muscles that look they’re about to rupture. I don’t want end up looking like a Sontaran, but I wouldn’t mind being a bit fitter.
Above: A Sontaran; a villainous race of super warriors from outer space (also from the planet Sontar, if my Dr. Who knowledge serves me correct). They’re generally aggressive, monosyllabic creatures, akin to what you may find in a gym.
I’m not Jabba the Hut, I’d just like to be a better specimen than I am at the moment. These young people fill me with envy. How can they be so fit? Why do they look like Spartan warriors and I look like Woody Allen stunt double? Then I start to think that they’re probably stupider than I am and I begin to feel good about myself. I have no basis for making these assumptions. The guy bench-pressing 120kg is probably an actuary and the guy who just did his twelfth chin-up is a neurosurgeon. Also, intelligence is relative. But I still go on with this process of self-aggrandisement. Part of me probably looks down on them because they’ve spent so much time crafting their bodies, which is ironic because I’d like to be fit and strong like them. Some of these Adonises must have been nearly half my age and they were easily as twice as strong as I am. This plunges me into a pit of mediocre despair, but it is remedied by the fact that I can’t be bothered spending enough time at the gym to exchange all my brainpower for muscle mass.